confusions

Tuesday night 10 PM i am sitting in school in front of my pc waiting for some simulation results. The only consolation at this time is the ilayaraja's or rahman's music that i keep listening to. So though of writing a blog on my mindset right now in this waiting time.

Life as a phd student has not been a smooth sailing, interest in research has been slowly fading. Previously, a year and a half back I would love to work on nights and weekends. Just like your wireless plan with free nights and weekends. But now a days I am doing things like a 9-5 job and not really motivating me to come to school and do useful work. Being a very slow worker I know i have to do extra hours to be impressive but mind is not listening much to my brain of late.

Also things like going to ordinary software or verification job (or other consultancy kind job) is interesting me, on the other hand i want to be an out of ordinary guy (if not extraordinary) doing some research and being proud about the fact that you are doing what your mind tells you to do rather than being a workhorse for someone else's idea.

The main reason for the above insecurity or disinterest as a phd student, is that i have never worked in any company (corporate world). I have only been in an academic environment, eventhough I have worked in several research problems, I always think working for a product, hard deadline, as a group in a company is better. So this thought goes to the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side of the bank" coz i hear from several of my friends that life is becoming really routine for them. Eventhough my brain knows it, my mind is constantly confusing me to try alternate things in life. I know phd is good, have a lot of options once i reach the end of the tunnel. standing and looking around in a long dark tunnel while you are half way through is very scary, confusing and you always want to use the emergency exit.

To be continued .......................